"All His promises
Are just up ahead
Maybe you just haven't seen it
Just haven't seen it yet" ~ Danny Gokey, "Haven't Seen it Yet"
Have you ever questioned God? I know I have. My life has not always been an easy one, and I have struggled with many doubts throughout different stages. There was even a time recently where I questioned him about the name of this very blog.
I sometimes wonder if there are people who read the name of my blog and shy away from it because it sounds like it's deeply theological. Godly Insights for the 21st Century Life sounds more like the title of a book written by one of today's top theologians than a blog written by a special ed para from Kansas. For a while, I considered changing it to something that sounded more relateable. However, I couldn't ever come up with a name that seemed more appropriate. I soon began to realize that the beauty of the name is that it honestly looks at how to follow God among the challenges of life in the twenty-first century, not through the lens of someone who appears to know it all, but through the eyes of someone willing to freely admit that she doesn't.
I don't know why a lot of things happen. I still can't see the reason why my grandmother died 15 years ago, or why my friend Katherine died three years ago. I have yet to understand why I'm blessed with a heart that yearns to be a wife and mother, and the skills to do so, but have turned 31 years old with no visible prospects on the horizon. I don't understand why I've had an Etsy shop for over two years and haven't sold anything online even after I've updated my pictures and descriptions, done sales, and shelled out money I don't have to run ads. I've even given out my business cards at in-person events to people who said they would order something later and never did. Not only do I not understand all these things, I sometimes don't even understand why I do the things I do.
However, there are also some things I didn't used to understand, but I do now. For years, I wondered why God prevented me from killing myself when I was 16. There were times I thought, maybe this is the reason I'm still here, but I never was fully convinced. Then in May when I first met with my current care receiver, I heard God saying to me, "Amy, this is why you are still here."
Before then, there were times when Satan sneered, "If you had listened to me, you could have avoided this heartache." His voice was getting easier to ignore the more good I had experienced since that time because I had increasingly more evidence to use as a rebuttal. However, in the last two months, he hasn't even tried because he knows I won't listen to him anyway.
Another thing I didn't used to understand but do now is why I failed student teaching not once, but twice. I was certain that God had called me to be a teacher, and while I took a job as a para, I didn't feel like that was what I was supposed to do. In my seven years of working as a para, however, I have come to realize that I love it. I still get to work with kids and help them learn, but I don't have the headaches of paperwork and dealing with parents. Maybe being a para was my calling all along. (Although I wish I was being paid at the rate of someone called into the profession).
Coming to a point where I understand these two heartaches in my life has helped to give me hope that maybe someday I will understand everything else as well. Maybe the answers I seek are just up ahead, but I just haven't seen it yet.
Are just up ahead
Maybe you just haven't seen it
Just haven't seen it yet" ~ Danny Gokey, "Haven't Seen it Yet"
Have you ever questioned God? I know I have. My life has not always been an easy one, and I have struggled with many doubts throughout different stages. There was even a time recently where I questioned him about the name of this very blog.
I sometimes wonder if there are people who read the name of my blog and shy away from it because it sounds like it's deeply theological. Godly Insights for the 21st Century Life sounds more like the title of a book written by one of today's top theologians than a blog written by a special ed para from Kansas. For a while, I considered changing it to something that sounded more relateable. However, I couldn't ever come up with a name that seemed more appropriate. I soon began to realize that the beauty of the name is that it honestly looks at how to follow God among the challenges of life in the twenty-first century, not through the lens of someone who appears to know it all, but through the eyes of someone willing to freely admit that she doesn't.
I don't know why a lot of things happen. I still can't see the reason why my grandmother died 15 years ago, or why my friend Katherine died three years ago. I have yet to understand why I'm blessed with a heart that yearns to be a wife and mother, and the skills to do so, but have turned 31 years old with no visible prospects on the horizon. I don't understand why I've had an Etsy shop for over two years and haven't sold anything online even after I've updated my pictures and descriptions, done sales, and shelled out money I don't have to run ads. I've even given out my business cards at in-person events to people who said they would order something later and never did. Not only do I not understand all these things, I sometimes don't even understand why I do the things I do.
However, there are also some things I didn't used to understand, but I do now. For years, I wondered why God prevented me from killing myself when I was 16. There were times I thought, maybe this is the reason I'm still here, but I never was fully convinced. Then in May when I first met with my current care receiver, I heard God saying to me, "Amy, this is why you are still here."
Before then, there were times when Satan sneered, "If you had listened to me, you could have avoided this heartache." His voice was getting easier to ignore the more good I had experienced since that time because I had increasingly more evidence to use as a rebuttal. However, in the last two months, he hasn't even tried because he knows I won't listen to him anyway.
Another thing I didn't used to understand but do now is why I failed student teaching not once, but twice. I was certain that God had called me to be a teacher, and while I took a job as a para, I didn't feel like that was what I was supposed to do. In my seven years of working as a para, however, I have come to realize that I love it. I still get to work with kids and help them learn, but I don't have the headaches of paperwork and dealing with parents. Maybe being a para was my calling all along. (Although I wish I was being paid at the rate of someone called into the profession).
Coming to a point where I understand these two heartaches in my life has helped to give me hope that maybe someday I will understand everything else as well. Maybe the answers I seek are just up ahead, but I just haven't seen it yet.
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