On August 11, America was shocked by the news that Robin Williams had died in an apparent suicide. Since then, numerous articles and blog posts have been written about the subject. Some say that suicide is a choice, others argue that Robin Williams died of a disease and it was no fault of his own. Some say suicide is selfish, others say it is not. From what I've seen, all of these articles and blog posts lack a crucial background point: none of them were written by someone who had actually survived the temptation to commit suicide. One article was written by someone who called herself a "suicide survivor," but really had no expertise in the matter other than the fact that her father had killed himself. Her claim that she is a "suicide survivor" is as ridiculous as me claiming that I am a lung cancer survivor because my grandfather died of lung cancer, and basing her article off of that flawed premise negates her argument. So how do I propose we fix this problem? We need to hear from those who actually are suicide survivors. I am a survivor myself, and I want to hear others' perspectives based on their ability to overcome the temptation to commit suicide.
Many among my friends and family know that I lost my grandmother when I was 16 years old, but few know the whole truth about how that affected me. I didn't know how I would live in a world where my grandma was no longer alive. It didn't help matters that around that time, The Passion of the Christ opened in theaters, and I saw it two times in one week without an opportunity in between to discuss it and decompress. After a month of yelling at God, claiming I wished I had never known Him and telling Him he was wrong to take my grandma away from me, I was confronted with the depth of what His Son had gone through to set me free. The problem is, I didn't feel free. Satan took my sorrow over what I had done and twisted it into a series of lies that told me that the only purpose left for me on this Earth was to take my life and remove myself from it. I was so weakened by my grief that I believed him, and even formulated a plan about how I would do it. Yet each time I told myself it was time to carry out my plan, something kept holding me back. I realize now that it was God's way of telling me that He wasn't finished with me yet. Having survived that ordeal, I can say three things with certainty about suicide: it is a choice, it is selfish, and it can be prevented.
Suicide is a Choice
One blog post I read contained this claim, and stated that seeing it this way can help those tempted to commit suicide because if it is a choice, then they have a way out. I also feel that stating otherwise is quite insulting to us survivors. If suicide is not a choice, then those of us who survived must not have really ever been tempted to take our own lives. Either that, or it means that we may have survived once, or twice, or even 20 or more times, but our day is coming. We were once suicidal, so we are doomed to die by our own hands. My question to this line of thinking is, "Who died and made you God?" They may argue that I am being absurd in this, but I am just following their argument out to it's logical conclusion. They're the ones who claim that those who commit suicide never had a choice in the matter.
One argument against this statement is that depression is not a choice. Neither I nor the author of the post mentioned above ever said it was (in fact, he wrote a follow-up post to that effect). Depression is a disorder with physical, mental and spiritual dimensions. This disorder is multi-faceted and manifests itself in different ways in different people. While some people, myself included, can control their depression with prayer alone, others require the help of medications, and they are not lesser people because of it. The chemical imbalance is real, and sometimes it's strong enough that medication is needed to restore balance to the person's brain. Sometimes people suffer from years, or even decades, with depression and never even consider suicide. Others can be depressed most of their lives and consider suicide, but then die of a cause other than suicide. This proves that they have a choice in the matter. So saying that suicide is the end result of depression is not providing a true picture of the disorder, and brings no comfort to those facing that temptation.
Another argument against calling suicide a choice is that those who commit suicide are not in the right frame of mind when they do so, but that doesn't mean anything. Those who drive under the influence of alcohol are not in their right mind when they do so, but they still are responsible for making a choice. Am I saying that depression and drunkenness are the same thing? No, but both are things that mess with a person's mental acuity, and both can lead to some bad choices.
Suicide is Selfish
Some of what I've seen refuting this claim falls into the category of "let's not speak ill of the deceased." People don't want to call Robin Williams (or anyone else for that matter) selfish because that's just mean. They weren't intending to be selfish. In fact, depression may have messed with their minds so much that they thought they were being helpful, and that staying alive would be the selfish choice. Interesting thought, but where's the evidence? You can't ask someone who has committed suicide what they were thinking when they did so because they're dead. So anything anyone says about that person's motivation is purely speculation. That's where the perspective of a survivor comes in handy: we can still talk about our motivation, because we're not dead.
When I was considering killing myself, I was being very selfish. I didn't realize it at the time, but that doesn't change the truth of that statement. I thought I would be doing the right thing, that the world didn't need someone as unworthy as me in it, but that just wasn't true. What held me back from the edge wasn't someone telling me that I was worthy or a Bible verse jumping out at me. It was the sheer fact that at my core, I am not a selfish person. Every time I was ready to commence with my plan, images were thrust into my mind of the reactions of my parents and friends when they heard the news. They were blaming themselves for not seeing the signs and doing something to save me, and I couldn't do that to them.
The unseen nature of the selfishness of suicide is comparable to speeding down a hill in a car with a broken speedometer. The driver doesn't realize how fast they are going because there is no indication of the speed the car is traveling. Now suppose there's a bump in the road that has the ability to jolt the speedometer into working again, alerting the driver to how fast the car is moving, allowing them to adjust the speed back to the speed limit. If something happens to the car before getting to that bump in the road, the car stops and the driver is none the wiser regarding the dangerous speed the car was going down the hill.
When the temptation to commit suicide arises, it can quickly gain momentum. The thoughts of unworthiness, or feelings of burdening others, accumulate until the person's mental progression down that slope reaches dangerous proportions. The inherent selfishness comes as well, but it is unseen because all the other thoughts obscure it. Now if someone acts too hastily on these thoughts, the selfishness of their actions is never realized, or if it is, it is too late to go back. However, some hit that bump at full speed without having done anything yet, and they grow to realize that their actions and thoughts were selfishly motivated, although discreetly so. Satan wants people to do something before they hit that bump, so he will spew whatever well-reasoned lie he can to hide the truth that there is a way out. Fortunately, God broke through the lies and helped me see the truth before it was too late.
Suicide Can Be Prevented
My only real regret after I finally recovered from that dark time was not seeking help. I was a good Christian girl, and was embarrassed by how I was feeling, so I didn't want anyone else to know. It sounded good at the time, but that thinking almost cost me my life. That's why the image of my mourning friends and family was so potent: they would be berating themselves for not seeing signs that I worked very hard to hide. Now I realize that seeking help would not have diminished me in anyone's eyes, but it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, the very best thing you can do for yourself is pray. Even if you don't feel like you could put into the words what you're feeling, God already knows and he will fill in the blanks, as illustrated in the song below. The next thing you should do is find someone who can help you. The best place to turn would be a licensed counselor, but I know not everyone can afford that. Another good place to turn is your pastor. They will maintain confidentiality and help you to get the help you need. If you are in a small group at your church, feel free to share your struggles with someone in that group who you trust, or the whole group if you're comfortable enough to do so. You could also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Each call is free, confidential and answered by a trained counselor at a local crisis center.
When a friend or loved one is acting strange, and you suspect they may be suicidal, talk to them and see how they are doing. Lead them to the resources listed in the paragraph above. If a friend comes to you to talk about how they're feeling, listen to what they have to say, even if it sounds strange. Don't assume that they are simply looking for attention just because they seem fine. They are showing that they trust you, so show them they were right to do so. When a friend experiences a difficult situation in their life, check up on them often to see how they are doing. Give them your phone number in case they want to talk. Even if they say they are fine, still care for them and let them know you are there for them, especially if you suspect that they may not be giving you the whole truth. Knowing they are loved can do wonders for someone facing the temptation to commit suicide. Above all, pray for them. James 5:16b says, "The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective." So by all means, be that powerful prayer warrior that they need to help them get through this dark time in their life. You may also want to direct them to this song:
7eventh Time Down-"Just Say Jesus"
Advice for Fellow Survivors
Know that you are not alone. There are others of us who have stared into the darkness and walked away from it. I know that for me, the first struggle I faced was wondering why I was so special. Why was I spared when so many others aren't? The answer, of course, is that God still has plans for me here on this Earth. I'm not completely sure what all they entail, but I'm sure writing this post is a part of them. God has plans for you too, and if you hold tight to Him, he will help you to find them. Don't be afraid to share your story with others. Your very life is your testimony, so let others know about it. You don't have to start big. The best place to start for me was in a small group in college. I was still too embarrassed at first to tell those that I had known when I was a teenager, but after I had shared it once and not been rejected or stigmatized, it was much easier to share it again. God can use your past to help further his kingdom here on Earth, but only if you tell others about it.
Another struggle I have faced is the fear that I could never find a husband because no man would stick around after he knew the truth. This fear was intensified after the first guy I liked who knew my past rejected the possibility of dating me without ever giving it a chance. (Knowing my past wasn't the reason, but Satan was still all too happy to exploit the circumstances.) Fortunately, after a great deal of prayer and encouragement from friends, this fear is almost gone, although I'm still unmarried. I know that the right man will know that while this is a part of my past, it doesn't define me, and it won't be part of my future. Anyone who would care more about my past than my future is not someone I would want to be with anyway. This is true for you too. Never let anyone tell you that your past mistakes will keep you from future happiness.
Here is a song that has been encouraging to me in my struggles:
Mandisa-"What Scars are For"
Many among my friends and family know that I lost my grandmother when I was 16 years old, but few know the whole truth about how that affected me. I didn't know how I would live in a world where my grandma was no longer alive. It didn't help matters that around that time, The Passion of the Christ opened in theaters, and I saw it two times in one week without an opportunity in between to discuss it and decompress. After a month of yelling at God, claiming I wished I had never known Him and telling Him he was wrong to take my grandma away from me, I was confronted with the depth of what His Son had gone through to set me free. The problem is, I didn't feel free. Satan took my sorrow over what I had done and twisted it into a series of lies that told me that the only purpose left for me on this Earth was to take my life and remove myself from it. I was so weakened by my grief that I believed him, and even formulated a plan about how I would do it. Yet each time I told myself it was time to carry out my plan, something kept holding me back. I realize now that it was God's way of telling me that He wasn't finished with me yet. Having survived that ordeal, I can say three things with certainty about suicide: it is a choice, it is selfish, and it can be prevented.
Suicide is a Choice
One blog post I read contained this claim, and stated that seeing it this way can help those tempted to commit suicide because if it is a choice, then they have a way out. I also feel that stating otherwise is quite insulting to us survivors. If suicide is not a choice, then those of us who survived must not have really ever been tempted to take our own lives. Either that, or it means that we may have survived once, or twice, or even 20 or more times, but our day is coming. We were once suicidal, so we are doomed to die by our own hands. My question to this line of thinking is, "Who died and made you God?" They may argue that I am being absurd in this, but I am just following their argument out to it's logical conclusion. They're the ones who claim that those who commit suicide never had a choice in the matter.
One argument against this statement is that depression is not a choice. Neither I nor the author of the post mentioned above ever said it was (in fact, he wrote a follow-up post to that effect). Depression is a disorder with physical, mental and spiritual dimensions. This disorder is multi-faceted and manifests itself in different ways in different people. While some people, myself included, can control their depression with prayer alone, others require the help of medications, and they are not lesser people because of it. The chemical imbalance is real, and sometimes it's strong enough that medication is needed to restore balance to the person's brain. Sometimes people suffer from years, or even decades, with depression and never even consider suicide. Others can be depressed most of their lives and consider suicide, but then die of a cause other than suicide. This proves that they have a choice in the matter. So saying that suicide is the end result of depression is not providing a true picture of the disorder, and brings no comfort to those facing that temptation.
Another argument against calling suicide a choice is that those who commit suicide are not in the right frame of mind when they do so, but that doesn't mean anything. Those who drive under the influence of alcohol are not in their right mind when they do so, but they still are responsible for making a choice. Am I saying that depression and drunkenness are the same thing? No, but both are things that mess with a person's mental acuity, and both can lead to some bad choices.
Suicide is Selfish
Some of what I've seen refuting this claim falls into the category of "let's not speak ill of the deceased." People don't want to call Robin Williams (or anyone else for that matter) selfish because that's just mean. They weren't intending to be selfish. In fact, depression may have messed with their minds so much that they thought they were being helpful, and that staying alive would be the selfish choice. Interesting thought, but where's the evidence? You can't ask someone who has committed suicide what they were thinking when they did so because they're dead. So anything anyone says about that person's motivation is purely speculation. That's where the perspective of a survivor comes in handy: we can still talk about our motivation, because we're not dead.
When I was considering killing myself, I was being very selfish. I didn't realize it at the time, but that doesn't change the truth of that statement. I thought I would be doing the right thing, that the world didn't need someone as unworthy as me in it, but that just wasn't true. What held me back from the edge wasn't someone telling me that I was worthy or a Bible verse jumping out at me. It was the sheer fact that at my core, I am not a selfish person. Every time I was ready to commence with my plan, images were thrust into my mind of the reactions of my parents and friends when they heard the news. They were blaming themselves for not seeing the signs and doing something to save me, and I couldn't do that to them.
The unseen nature of the selfishness of suicide is comparable to speeding down a hill in a car with a broken speedometer. The driver doesn't realize how fast they are going because there is no indication of the speed the car is traveling. Now suppose there's a bump in the road that has the ability to jolt the speedometer into working again, alerting the driver to how fast the car is moving, allowing them to adjust the speed back to the speed limit. If something happens to the car before getting to that bump in the road, the car stops and the driver is none the wiser regarding the dangerous speed the car was going down the hill.
When the temptation to commit suicide arises, it can quickly gain momentum. The thoughts of unworthiness, or feelings of burdening others, accumulate until the person's mental progression down that slope reaches dangerous proportions. The inherent selfishness comes as well, but it is unseen because all the other thoughts obscure it. Now if someone acts too hastily on these thoughts, the selfishness of their actions is never realized, or if it is, it is too late to go back. However, some hit that bump at full speed without having done anything yet, and they grow to realize that their actions and thoughts were selfishly motivated, although discreetly so. Satan wants people to do something before they hit that bump, so he will spew whatever well-reasoned lie he can to hide the truth that there is a way out. Fortunately, God broke through the lies and helped me see the truth before it was too late.
Suicide Can Be Prevented
My only real regret after I finally recovered from that dark time was not seeking help. I was a good Christian girl, and was embarrassed by how I was feeling, so I didn't want anyone else to know. It sounded good at the time, but that thinking almost cost me my life. That's why the image of my mourning friends and family was so potent: they would be berating themselves for not seeing signs that I worked very hard to hide. Now I realize that seeking help would not have diminished me in anyone's eyes, but it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, the very best thing you can do for yourself is pray. Even if you don't feel like you could put into the words what you're feeling, God already knows and he will fill in the blanks, as illustrated in the song below. The next thing you should do is find someone who can help you. The best place to turn would be a licensed counselor, but I know not everyone can afford that. Another good place to turn is your pastor. They will maintain confidentiality and help you to get the help you need. If you are in a small group at your church, feel free to share your struggles with someone in that group who you trust, or the whole group if you're comfortable enough to do so. You could also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Each call is free, confidential and answered by a trained counselor at a local crisis center.
When a friend or loved one is acting strange, and you suspect they may be suicidal, talk to them and see how they are doing. Lead them to the resources listed in the paragraph above. If a friend comes to you to talk about how they're feeling, listen to what they have to say, even if it sounds strange. Don't assume that they are simply looking for attention just because they seem fine. They are showing that they trust you, so show them they were right to do so. When a friend experiences a difficult situation in their life, check up on them often to see how they are doing. Give them your phone number in case they want to talk. Even if they say they are fine, still care for them and let them know you are there for them, especially if you suspect that they may not be giving you the whole truth. Knowing they are loved can do wonders for someone facing the temptation to commit suicide. Above all, pray for them. James 5:16b says, "The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective." So by all means, be that powerful prayer warrior that they need to help them get through this dark time in their life. You may also want to direct them to this song:
7eventh Time Down-"Just Say Jesus"
Advice for Fellow Survivors
Know that you are not alone. There are others of us who have stared into the darkness and walked away from it. I know that for me, the first struggle I faced was wondering why I was so special. Why was I spared when so many others aren't? The answer, of course, is that God still has plans for me here on this Earth. I'm not completely sure what all they entail, but I'm sure writing this post is a part of them. God has plans for you too, and if you hold tight to Him, he will help you to find them. Don't be afraid to share your story with others. Your very life is your testimony, so let others know about it. You don't have to start big. The best place to start for me was in a small group in college. I was still too embarrassed at first to tell those that I had known when I was a teenager, but after I had shared it once and not been rejected or stigmatized, it was much easier to share it again. God can use your past to help further his kingdom here on Earth, but only if you tell others about it.
Another struggle I have faced is the fear that I could never find a husband because no man would stick around after he knew the truth. This fear was intensified after the first guy I liked who knew my past rejected the possibility of dating me without ever giving it a chance. (Knowing my past wasn't the reason, but Satan was still all too happy to exploit the circumstances.) Fortunately, after a great deal of prayer and encouragement from friends, this fear is almost gone, although I'm still unmarried. I know that the right man will know that while this is a part of my past, it doesn't define me, and it won't be part of my future. Anyone who would care more about my past than my future is not someone I would want to be with anyway. This is true for you too. Never let anyone tell you that your past mistakes will keep you from future happiness.
Here is a song that has been encouraging to me in my struggles:
Mandisa-"What Scars are For"
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