There have been several situations throughout the past few years where a communication breakdown has led to a misunderstanding that has caused hurt feelings or worse. Following those issues, here are a few things that could have been done in those situations to make the conversation go smoother.
Apologize early, apologize often: Early in 2021, there was a remote learning day that I was not aware of until I showed up at work and no one was there. For some reason that school year, calls and text notifications were not going out to all of the employees. I checked, and I had gotten an email, but it had come late enough that I was already getting dressed by the time I had received it. I sent a reply to the notification and the sender apologized and assured me that she had sent out the email as soon as she was told she could.
Unsurprisingly, I was not the only person who had shown up at work not realizing we were remote. We received an email later that week from someone else telling us to check our emails, Twitter, and Facebook as well as call coworkers if we thought there might be a remote day and we hadn't heard about it. He apologized for the inconvenience, but not for the fact that the decision had been made so late, which was the reason so many of us missed the email. His lack of a real apology, coupled with his assumption that we hadn't checked our emails and that we would want to take so much time checking other things instead of getting ready so we could leave early if needed, really angered me. The only thing that helped was writing my own version of his email with a more apologetic tone.
Even if you don't think you were in the wrong, it's always best to apologize. Our perception can very quickly become our reality, so if we perceive that someone did something wrong, then they did, even if they didn't intend to. Another trap that I sometimes fall into is not apologizing for my part in an argument, especially if the other person refuses to apologize for their part. Unfortunately, I have a few people in my life that rarely apologize, and pride keeps me from apologizing to them unless they go first. That means that I still see them as the only person in the wrong even if I overreacted to what they did. Doing so hurts the relationship I have with them, and leads to me justifying my reaction.
Be open and honest: There are a couple of situations that could have been helped by following this rule. I don't think I would have been nearly so upset about being unfriended in August 2021 by two long-time friends if they had told me right away why they were doing that. Instead, I didn't find out until two months later after I messaged one of them, and I didn't get a satisfactory explanation even then.
Another is my fiancee being fired from his job last fall. He had been told some things his boss wanted him to work on, and she gave him a week to do so. He worked on those things for the next week, but he was still fired because there were other things he needed to work on that he was not told about. Because his boss was not completely honest about what he needed to fix, he didn't have the opportunity to fix those problems.
This is something I find that I need to work on as well. I sometimes hold in how I'm feeling about something instead of talking about it, and then my anger at multiple things compounds until I go into a complete rage. This is one thing that my fiancee has helped me with because I can't hide from him when I'm annoyed or angry about something he has done. I'm still not perfect, but with God's help, I am working on it.
Address problems in private: Social media has made it too easy for us to say what we're thinking when we're thinking it without thinking about who is going to see it. The comments I deleted that my former friend cited as the reason he unfriended me were deleted because they were accusations that I felt did not need to be broadcast widely.
During the time I turned off comments on certain posts, I did have someone send me a private message because she couldn't comment directly on my post. While I still didn't agree with what she said, I think she said it a lot more considerately than she, or someone else, might have said it if they could have commented directly on my post. Even if she hadn't, I still would have been the only one to have seen the response rather than everyone seeing it and judging her as a result. My former friend may not realize it, but this had happened to one of the comments he made before I deleted it.
Be direct: If you have a problem with someone, talk to them about it. Yes, you may need time to vent to someone else first to calm down, but if you don't everli address the problem with the person in question, nothing will change. Admittedly, this is often easier said than done, but everyone involved is better off if problems are addressed directly. A contributing factor in both my failure at student teaching and my fiancee losing his job last fall was that we were told what needed to be fixed when it was too late to fix it.
My first student teaching experience began in mid-August 2010, but it was mid-October before I was told about the problems the cooperating teacher had with my teaching. That meant that for two months, I was allowed to continue teaching unsatisfactorily, and by the time I knew I needed to fix something, I no longer had enough time to fix it. Could I have talked to the teacher to find out how I was doing and what I needed to work on? Sure I could have, but I shouldn't have needed to. Some of the steps that were taken to try and help me improve, such as daily meetings with the teacher, were things that should have been in place from the beginning. The lack of communication set me up for failure, and unsurprisingly, that's exactly what happened.
Listen more than you talk: It's been said that God gave us two ears and only one mouth because he wants us to spend twice as much time listening as we do talking. I fully believe that this is true. For an actual conversation to happen, there has to be some give and take. Having a one-sided conversation with someone can leave us feeling unfulfilled.
This is something my fiancee and I have been working on together. He loves to talk, and as a more introverted person, I mostly enjoy listening. However, there are times when I want to talk and want him to listen, and I'm working on helping him understand when I need him to take the time to do so. There are also times that I am quick to get mad about things and don't give him the time to explain himself first. We are both works in progress, but with God's help, we will be able to become better listeners.
Be careful with advice: Even when we mean well, the advice we give others may not be what they need to hear. Before we give the advice, we need to make sure we listen and ask questions to make sure what we're suggesting will actually be helpful.
Several well-meaning friends have suggested that I look into what I would need to do to actually get my teaching license. While I like being a para and feel fulfilled doing it, I would be making more as a teacher, but I would also have extra responsibilities and stresses. My main objection to actually getting my license, however, has little to do with the added stress, although that is the reason I give.
There have been only two times in my life that I considered ending it. The one I've talked about is after my grandma died when I was 16. What no one knows is that the pain of losing my dream caused me to consider it again six years later. Now, after I got cut from student teaching, the temptation didn't take hold of me quite like it had after Grandma Rohmeyer died, but each fleeting twinge came with a fully formed plan. Those twinges subsided after a while, but the pain did not. As it was becoming clear that my second attempt at student teaching was also doomed to fail, I got drunk for the first and only time in my life. That night, my insatiable thirst for alcohol could have ended in disaster were it not for a good friend convincing me to stop drinking alcohol and start drinking water, and shortly thereafter walking with me away from the party.
No one has suggested I try to bring my grandma back. Everyone knows that I can't do that, and the vast majority of people I know believe, as I do, that I will see her again. Still, there are some people in my life who want me to try again to get my teaching license, not fully realizing why I don't want to. They ask, "What do you need to do to get your teaching license?" instead of "Do you even want to try to get your teaching license?" The truth is, I don't. Failing at something I wanted to do since I was seven broke me in ways I'm not even sure I fully understand. The first time led me to almost end my life, and the second time pushed me into my first taste of alcoholism. Besides, as a para, I'm living my dream in a way I never could have imagined.
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