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The Unfriend Zone

     Last week, the Supreme Court overturned the controversial 1973 decision in Roe v. Wade. Following the ruling, I saw quite a few posts that said some variation of: "Here's my opinion. If you disagree, please unfriend or unfollow me." Even though I disagreed with some of those posts, I did not unfriend anyone because I know the pain of being unfriended.

    As I mentioned in my post Easily Offendable, I was unfriended by two long-term friends back in August because they disagreed with me. While I was initially angry about the situation, and still am to an extent, I'm finding that as time passes my feelings are gradually changing from anger to sadness. We were good friends for 13 years, and we had some fun times together. I was at their engagement party and wedding, I was the only person who showed up when they did the Polar Plunge, and I was ecstatic when they started coming to my church five years ago. Before the pandemic, I took care of their son in the church nursery two to three times a month. I rejoiced with them when she became pregnant with twins in the midst of the pandemic and prayed for her when she had complications. I suffered through an ill-written pattern to make baby booties for the twins related to a fun memory we shared. Prior to our falling out, I was even poised to begin watching all three kids in the nursery the two to three times a month I had watched their oldest before things shut down.

    Now I have unfriended people before, but not for simply disagreeing with me, and not anyone I truly considered a friend. When I started on Facebook, I added anyone I knew, and as I met new people, I would automatically add them as a friend as well. When some of those people started acting vicious toward me, they were quickly unfriended. I don't need a friends list packed with acquaintances who can't be friendly.   

    The husband of the couple that unfriended me had also started to get a bit vicious toward me in the last couple of years. However, given our shared history, I was unwilling to unfriend him because of it, especially considering that the first vicious comment came while his wife was experiencing complications with her pregnancy. I knew that the viciousness I was seeing came from his fear about that situation. (Although, ironically, he was being vicious in an attempt to convince me he wasn't afraid of anything.)

    Even as the vicious comments continued, I refused to unfriend him. I knew that the person he was acting like is not the person he truly is. As I mentioned in the earlier post, I did prevent him from seeing potentially divisive posts for a while, and then turned off comments on those types of posts once I allowed him to see them again. I wanted him to be prevented from making quick, vicious comments for the sake of saving our friendship. However, it seems that his inability to make those comments was the reason he chose to end it.

    We are never going to agree on everything, and that's okay. If every single person agreed on everything, the world would be a very boring place. Having friends with differing opinions is good for us because it makes us think more about what we believe, which causes growth. As a result, I will never unfriend someone simply for disagreeing with me. I may unfollow them for a time if they are being combative in their posts, or block them from seeing my posts for a while if they're being combative in the comments, but our friendship will remain intact. The last two years have taken so much away from us. Let's not let them take our friends as well.





From A Donut a Day by Johnna Kolar

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